04 Jun

And then there were none

After a year and a half with no political decision-making, surely the time has come to finally grasp the proverbial nettle and reach agreement? To sit down together and sort out the important question – who is going to buy the next round of lattes and cappuccinos?

It’s a big decision, and the choices individuals make can help shape progress on resolving the other challenges we face.

Those who go for the middle-of-the-road latte option, will be parachuted into the Northern Ireland Office, to continue doing nothing much whatsoever. Alternatively, those opting for a stiff double espresso should be best prepared for yet another round of talks, running long into the night.

Meanwhile, the awkward ones who want a Mocha Chocolate Frappuccino will be asked to mediate the abortion debate.

Should any of these people try to flee across the border for a relaxing cuppa, the PSNI have a plan for that. Those noble defenders of law and order are asking for an extra 400 officers to patrol the border post-Brexit.

That’s assuming Brexit border controls need to be strengthened. Reports are currently swirling that David Davis is planning to give NI joint UK and EU status. Though certainly original, it’s a bit light on detail and it’s sure to come in for criticism from nearly everyone.

Is there a sense of panic being detected about Northern Ireland? One can almost sense a legion of former and current UK Government Ministers pointing to our wee country and saying: “See we told you thon place isn’t easy to sort out!”

And our MLAs aren’t exactly rushing to throw their penny’s worth into the debate. It could be they are all trying to see what they are going to do with their day, apart from counting their salaries until they are cut.

At least we know how much they have received in donations – £277,039 in just one quarter of the year to date.

Whoever these people are, if you want to waste your money, you could at least buy a painting or something?

Finally, we can exclusively reveal that a massive missing person hunt is underway.

People have been asked to remain vigilant and report any sightings of Secretary of State, Karen Bradley. Last seen at the Balmoral Show, Ms Bradley is believed to be in a fragile state and heard muttering: “Why me!?”

Anyone who comes across the SoS is urged to contact Stormont Castle in order that a highly skilled team of civil servants, armed with powerful tranquilisers, can round her up and return her safely to England.

There she can be given a few bills and press releases to sign about Northern Ireland, to help ease her back into her role of doing whatever it is she actually does.

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